The time has come to say goodbye
To all our past regrets. i'm sorry to inform you
But i doubt you'll really ever understand.
Friendships aren't built on false promises
I've failed without defeat.
In this game of disrespect
I'm a victim-a small town tragedy.
Here's the difference between you and i
I'll tell the truth and count my blessings
So thanks for all you've done
But i won't let you get the best of me.
You think i'm just a kid but
You don't fucking get it.
I'm strong in my convictions
And don't you forget it.
So many things are left unsaid
But i won't even waste my time
For us to go our separate ways
I hope you miss me when i'm gone.
Friendships aren't built on false promises.
I've failed without defeat.
In this game of disrespect
I'm a victim of small town rivalry.
Farewell to all my friends
With self respect intact.
Nothing will last forever
Never looking back.
End is forever.
Because it's time to just get this shit off my fucking chest. AKA "Look, Akaya's being a whiny bratty hypocritical little baby telling his sobstory again, let's ignore him even more"
First off, stop fucking telling me to "get over it". It's not that goddamn easy. You have no fucking clue what I feel or what I've gone through. You have no clue what it feels like to fall in love with someone who supposedly shares your feelings; be with them for nearly two fucking years and then dropped like a fucking fly the second something bigger and shinier comes along. All you did was watch on the fucking sidelines the whole damn time and snatch him up the fucking second you hear he's 'available'. Ever think that "Oh, this kid's my friend, maybe I should have a little respect and not hook up with his ex right after they broke up."? Because yeah, that's all I seem to be to you fucking people. Just that fucking little kid, fuck him and whatever he may be feeling. Screw the fact he's having serious problems and needs fucking help, let's just ignore him.
361 days. That's how long it's been since this whole mess fucking started. Why? Because I'm a fucking idiot, apparently. So my boyfriend leaves without a fucking word for four months. No letters, no calls, no nothing. What would you think? Probably the same fucking thing I thought: He's not coming back, it's over.
Maybe I was weak. Maybe I should've waited longer. Maybe I was lonely and desperate for attention. So I took it where I could get it. The first time Yagyuu-senpai (you're involved, you get dragged into this too. Sorry, I guess.) kissed me was in the bookstore. I remember 'coz he got me whatever the newest volume of Naruto was at the time. I don't know why he did it. Second time, maybe third was at the movie theater like a week later. I guess I fell asleep in the beginning, coz I woke up to him kissing me. I thought it was Bunta to begin with. After that things kinda got a little out of hand -- the stupid fucking bet and all.
I'll admit it. I fooled around with Yagyuu-senpai. He blew me, I blew him, all was good, movie ended, he got me a Domo-kun plush out of the crane thing, we said goodbye and went home. All good, right?
Wrong. Bunta came home the next fucking day
. So when he comes climbing in my window for the first time in months what's the first thing I do after 'hi'? Spill the beans. All of em. That's not easy, you know. Admitting to the person you love you cheated on them. But yanno, I was under the impression that honesty is the best way to go. Guess I was wrong like so many other fucking times. Coz that's me, huh. Never right, the dense little elfie.
All hell broke loose after that. We broke up for the first time and all of a sudden I'm the bad guy. Even Niou-senpai wouldn't talk to me, because apparently I'm the jerk here. Then the rumours start. I'm supposedly playing bitchboy to all the regulars. I did this or I did that.
NEWSFLASH, FUCKERS. I am, technically, a virgin. I've never been on the receiving end of sex. And while I'm on that subject, I have had sex with ONE person, and only one person. The only person in the fucking world I love enough to go to the ends of the earth and back for.
February comes. Things got even more fucked up after that Christmas party at Hyoutei. I was making myself sick worrying over it. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I hurt all over, I couldn't fucking get my mind off it. Then hey, one or two of you finally figured out how goddamn badly this whole thing was fucking me up. Fucking me up so badly I was damn near ready to go play bitchboy to some old pervert for an icecream cone. That's when Niou-senpai stepped in. Took me under his wing for ice cream and maybe trying to make me feel a little better. That was Valentine's Day. I ended up in the fucking emergency room. My stupid ass chalked my stomachaches up to stress or whatever and I had to get fucking surgery to get my fucking appendix out. There's no way I can ever repay you for taking care of me when I needed it the most.
Bunta was there when I woke up in the hospital. Things were okay after that, I guess. We got back together, things were going pretty okay with a small problem. I find out Jackal-senpai's got a thing for him too. We all know I'm a possessive, jealous fucking bastard. What's mine is fucking mine. And Jackal-senpai was nothing but a huge fucking threat to me. I couldn't fucking stand the thought of him stealing Bunta right out from under me but guess what -- it happened. Jackal-senpai is supposed to be my fucking friend. I didn't want to fight him for Bunta. I still don't, there's no fucking way I can win, now. I won't get him back.
And you. If you're happy with him, I'm happy for you. Really. But I'm not happy for me. I'm ragingly fucking jealous. I don't like seeing things you used to say to me being said to him. I feel like all this is just being rubbed in my face. Like "teehee, he doesn't have feelings, he's not totally fucking depressed over us breaking up, it's all fine ♥"
I wasn't the perfect boyfriend. I know I wasn't. I know I'm kinda dumb when it comes to certain things. But I tried to make up for it. I tried to be the best I could for you. My best wasn't enough. I changed a lot because of you. I haven't laid a hand on you with the intent to hurt since we first got together. I grew up, sort of. My temper mellowed out a bit. There wasn't anything better than seeing you smile when I did something right. You were -and are- the only fucking thing I could keep in my head for more than five minutes at a time. So much for the best concentration in Rikkai.
Where am I now? Lonely. Depressed. Angry. I can't just fucking let it go, no matter how hard I try. I was in Yamagata for nearly a damn month trying to get away from it all; get my fucking head back. If anything, being alone made things worse. I thought about it more and more. I can't eat. I can't sleep. As of writing this I've been awake for damn near 72 hours. Sometimes no matter how fucking hard I try not to I can't keep from crying. Yeah, I sound like some fucking girl, but I can't fucking help it. People don't realize the tough act is just that -- it's a fucking act. A defense mechanism thrown up so people can't get close and I can't get hurt. Doesn't work so well anymore. My defenses are down, everything gets to me.
A smile. A kiss. A squeeze of the hand. Every time you do shit like that it gives me false hope. It's gotten to the point where I can't fucking stand to be anywhere near you because I know it'll never fucking happen.
This fucked me up. All of it. My self esteem is completely shot. I don't have the energy to do anything. I'm failing all my classes, I haven't even touched my damn racquet in well over a month. Some legacy Yukimura-buchou left behind. I can't live up to it. I failed everyone in that respect. I'm just a big fucking failure. At life, at 'love', at everything I fucking do anymore.
I don't have anyone to go to anymore. My parents don't know what the fuck to do. They've got me on all sorts of fucking pills that aren't doing shit. My sister won't even talk to me. My cousin barely talks to me other than making sure I'm still fucking alive. I probably wouldn't be if it weren't for Niou-senpai, but he's got enough of his own shit to deal with, he doesn't need to have to deal with my moody ass on top of it. I don't even deserve the attention he does give me. He's got some good stuff going on for him. I don't want to fuck up what joy he does get out of life.
There's so much fucking more I want to say. How much it hurts to be fucking cast aside like yesterday's newspaper. How much I want to go back and change the past so maybe shit wouldn't have turned out like this.
I'm tired of this. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself. I'm tired of feeling like I'm life's big fuckup. Tired of feeling like I didn't do my best. Tired of being ignored. Tired of having nowhere else to fucking turn to. Tired of living life this way.
Maybe I should just give up. It doesn't matter which path I choose, I can't win. I love you
more than anything in the fucking world, but right now I fucking hate you and everything you fucking stand for.
And I love you
, because you are the only fucking thing I have left. You'll never understand how much it fucking means to me that you've stuck by my side and have been there when I need you the most. I probably wouldn't even be around anymore if it weren't for you. I owe you fucking everything.
Fuck, this shit is making me cry.
I'm done with the angst-fest for now. Maybe more later, my body won't listen to me anymore.